For immediate use

Legislature votes $865 million for bagpipers
"Folk Strikes Deep in the Heart of Minnesota"

by Michael Finley
Copyright © 2000 by Michael Finley

NOTE: The following is a spoof and a fantasy. The Legislature has not really committed $865 million to the Minnesota Folk Festival.

Supporters of publicly-funded sports stadiums for the Twin and Vikings expressed outrage and indignation yesterday when the Minnesota Legislature, instead of voting to keep those teams in the state by building them new homes at the taxpayers' expense, voted to create a performing and learning center for the Minnesota Folk Festival. The funding vote was broadly bipartisan, enjoying support from both sides of the aisle.

The decision was a shock to lobbyists and capitol observers, who were not even aware of the existence of the folk music festival, much less its clout as a competitor for funding.

"What I would like to know," said Vikings lobbyist Turk Dineen, "is who are these people, and how did they move in so fast? We never saw them coming."

"Clearly, something is seriously wrong when a bunch of people with ukeleles and jaw-harps overrule our nation's most sacred pastimes" said chagrined Twins spokesperson Polly Veinel . "Now, I just don't know what we'll do."

Altogether, the Legislature voted a stunning $865 million to create a 27,000-capacity outdoor performing center, to be located on the former 3M campus in Maplewood, vacant since that company relocated to Mexico. Also underway is construction of a school of authentic music, where children and adults can encounter music the way people have for generations.

The decision to fund the festival came after an Irish fiddler performed a sad song before the Senate Appropriations Committee.

"It was about home, and family, and patriotism, and an Irish mother," said hardened political operative Burt Walligan (D-Chokio). "We just all broke down and started hugging one another."

"The fiddle playing seemed to sap my will," said Bill Lockhart (R-Willmar). "Before I could stop myself I was violating my own fiercely-held principles of fiscal austerity."

As musicians looked on, accordions and bagpipes hanging at their sides, a joint assembly of both houses rushed the $865 million appropriation through on a voice vote, with many legislators openly weeping and blowing their noses.

So what is the Minnesota Folk Festival? Over sixty print and broadcast reporters peppered director and fiddler Deborah Martin with questions at an impromptu news conference at festival headquarters outside their cramped one-room office in Saint Paul Tuesday night.

"I don't know why everyone's so surprised," Martin told reporters. "The state legislature simple experienced what most people experience when they encounter great music -- they felt the prompting deep in their hearts. That's what this kind of music does to you. It's why we play.

"Folk music is the first music we learn, no matter what our background is. It's noncommercial, so it doesn't try to sell you anything. It reaches down into a person, and unlocks whatever is there."

But what about the sheer amount, Martin was asked -- nearly a billion dollars for an organization whose previous budget was about $60,000?

"Well, $60,000 really wasn't nearly enough, given our mandate to change the world," she said.

"Ours is the real globalization, music for the whole world" said Martin, "not what some guys in suits decide at the World Trade Organization. We're a world of thousands of traditions, and we're very busy now learning about one another. Once you know what is in people's hearts, it is hard to hate them."

Asked how the $865 million would change the festival, Martin said that she expected it would enjoy greater visibility in the future. They would probably have to hire a part-time bookkeeper. "They probably want to be sure we don't spend it on a really great party," she said. Also, she planned to get a new tire for the front driver's wheel on the organization's Folkmobile, a 1948 Dodge panel truck.

The Minnesota Folk Festival will celebrate its final underfunded event September 10, in Mears Park in Saint Paul's Lowertown district. Scheduled to appear are humorist/songwriter Christine Lavin and Cajun swingers the New Riverside Ramblers. The all-day concert, starting at 10:30 am and continuing to 10 pm, is free to the public.

Many critics, who paid scant attention to the organization in days of yore, are already sharpening their pens to see if the festival can function with the new levels of funding and public attention.

"We still have to sell a lot of pop to break even, and pass the plastic bucket for donations," Martin said. "I mean the $865 million is nice, but people will expect a really great show. So if you'll excuse me, we have a lot of work to do."