For use: Saturday, December 30, 2000 and thereafter

mfinley.com: "Candidate and Master"

by Michael Finley

Our scene takes place in a hotel in Concord, NH, hours after the candidate has suffered a surprising and stinging primary loss.

CANDIDATE: I don’t get it. They asked me who my favorite political philosopher was, and I said you. But it didn't help me at all!

MASTER: You rely too much on faith. People need to see deeds as well. Deeds are the proof of faith.

CANDIDATE:  Well, what should I do then?

MASTER: Listen. From now on, you take orders from me, and only me. Got it?

CANDIDATE: Well, I do have these handlers, and they are awful smart.

MASTER: Don’t worry, I've worked with them before. The first thing is, we have to take control of the truth. Truth is like rubber, we can stretch it any way we want. If we're against campaign finance reform, we call ourselves, oh, I don’t know -- "a reformer with results." People won’t know the difference.

CANDIDATE: I see.

MASTER: Politics is nasty, and the trick is to avoid personal accountability while using the word in every other sentence. So from now on you are in charge of saying empty platitudes. We get your surrogates to do the dirty work. This way, no one can say you’re not a nice guy. If some third party puts out nasty commercials favoring you, disavow them. But don’t ask the third party to stop showing them. Through all this, maintain an aw-shucks aura. Speak in a Texas accent except when you venture north.

CANDIDATE: I get it -- trick people! Oh, that is so good.

MASTER: If the opponent is viewed as being a war hero, you change that perception. Appear with veterans suggesting he's not a real veteran. Put out commercials saying he's soft on breast cancer. Have henchmen remind people that his campaign manager is a Jew. Suggest he's not a true conservative, even though his ideological bona fides are way better than yours.

CANDIDATE: Well, here's a problem. When my dad was president, he got into really big trouble for waffling on taxes. His party turned viciously on him. I don’t want that happening to me.  How do I handle that?

MASTER: Offer the biggest tax refund in history. Make it such an outrageous giveaway that there's no way your own party can even get behind it. When the dust settles, it’ll be their fault, not yours.

CANDIDATE: Writing this down...

MASTER: You need to get mean early, because it's going to be a rough race. If the other guy has you beat on the issues, then change the race. Make the theme his character. Make him look like a pathological liar, even if he's just an average one. Tell lies about him being a liar, if you have to -- it won’t cost you anything.

CANDIDATE: [chuckling] This reminds me of the pranks my house played at Yale. Oh man, did we have a good time.

MASTER: If your opponent offers the olive branch, reject it, saying you don't trust him. Negotiation is weakness.

CANDIDATE: Uh huh -- how many g's are there in negotiation?

MASTER: If you have deficiencies, like draft avoidance or disorderly behavior, paper it over with patriotism, or blame it on youth. That would be a poor time to insist on accountability. I'll do what I can on my end to make sure none of it comes back to bite you.

CANDIDATE: Do you have any general guidelines you could share with me?

MASTER: Sure. Winning is everything. Hate your enemy. Money makes right. Never turn the other cheek. Be against making peace and for waging war. Forget the poor -- they'll never vote for you. And stick to the script.

CANDIDATE: I am going to win, right? I mean, I really want to win.

MASTER: It's going to be close.

CANDIDATE: Close? That's no good.

MASTER: So you need an edge. Let’s make sure you have the right people in place to help you out. I'll see what I can do on my end. Make your brother governor of a state, and your campaign manager there will be in charge of counting votes. If worse comes to worst, we'll have our people in the Supreme Court lend you a hand.

CANDIDATE: Well, whatever's fair.

MASTER: Fair has nothing to do with it. If the chips are down, and the choice is between fairness and winning, we go for the victory, understand? If it means disenfranchising a few thousand people, I don’t want you crybabying about it later, understand? We're going to split this country right down the middle, all the while calling you a uniter.

CANDIDATE: I get you, I get you! Gee, this is the greatest. I've always been so fortunate to have the right people on my side. And now, you. How lucky can a guy be?

MASTER: It isn’t luck, friend. It's a done deal.

CANDIDATE: Can I ask you one last question then, Master? Why are you doing all this for me?

MASTER: I do it for all of them, my son. I do it for all of them.

The Grand Inquisitor, by Fyodor Dostoevsky

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